Gearing Up for Your Friend’s Tinder Date

Sometimes, against all better judgment, our friends swipe right. Then commences the Tinder messaging with some hot guy that lives four blocks away. And soon, after a few deep conversations and lapses of judgment, your friend decides it is time for the digital lovebirds to meet.

If anything, just know that this is not your fault.

You can try to talk some sense into her, bringing up statistics of sexual predators or offering to buy her ice cream instead, but the two of you will never quite see eye-to-eye, her logic being: “What are the odds that my soul mate lives 3.49 kilometers away?” and your response: “Exactly my point.”

In the end, being the good friend you are, you agree to secretly tag along on this Tinder date to ensure that your BFF returns home alive with both her dignity and her wallet. It is especially kind of you to sit at a table alone while she stares lovingly into the eyes of America’s Most Wanted—a guaranteed crappy evening for you, right? WRONG!

While you could easily play the martyr card (which you should do, as it will give you some much-deserved leverage), don’t write the night off as a complete waste before it begins. The next time you take one for the team, consider these following ideas.

1. Rally the troops.

Don’t spend the evening alone! Invite someone to spy with you—hey, maybe this is a perfect and also very odd excuse to ask out someone you’ve been crushing on (not from Tinder).

2. Upstage the bride.

You know the classic rules, “Don’t wear white to a wedding” and “Don’t upstage the bride”? Well let me tell you something: This is not a wedding. This is a Tinder date. And the same rules do not apply. Give your friend a run for her money when you get all dolled up for the evening.

3. Order well.

Yes, the real reason you are being shanghaied into the role of an incognito third wheel is that you love your friend. However, a better reason is the food—the world’s most powerful bargaining chip. Don’t let yourself get taken advantage of! Offer your Date Spy services at the price of a nice hot meal. If you’re feeling ultra powerful, insist that they let you pick the restaurant. (Oh snap!)

4. Make up code names.

“Julia? I think you’re mistaken, Sir. My name is Guadalupe.” Now is your chance to get real creative. Made-up alibis and fake accents are also never bad ideas. Of course, if you do decide to turn this evening into a date, don’t freak the poor guy out too much.

5. Don’t waste the night!

Why should your friend have all the fun? Scan the restaurant, concert venue, park, junkyard—wherever this hellish date may be—for potential candidates (maybe his friends are sitting in the crowd, too!). This is an excellent time to practice your code names. If no one is catching your eye, just get a ton of embarrassing Snapchats of your friend for entertainment.

6. Know all safety exits.

Remember your mission: Keep your delusionally love-struck friend safe. On this date night, you are Liam Neeson in “Taken.” You are Mel Gibson in “Braveheart.” You are Bruce Willis in all five of the “Die Hard” classics. This means knowing the license plate number of the perpetrator, location of a fire alarm and having easy access to pepper spray or some other harm-inducing object. You may be thinking this is extreme. Oh, it is.

7. Sleepover!

One way to get your friend back to home base is to plan a sleepover. Celebrate the success of staying alive! Also, this is an easy way for her to avoid the temptation of any post-Tinder date shenanigans. Remind her that she already has plans with Guadalupe. So yippee ki-yay, Mr. Tinder Date.