An Open Letter to the Guys Who Have Ghosted Me
Contributor:Heather Taylor
Hey [redacted]! How’s it going? Looks like you’re doing pretty well at work — congrats on the promotion! You didn’t actually text or call me about this news though. I found out through your social media profiles. What’s that, you’re wondering how I found out about your social accounts when you never shared your handles with me? Allow me to explain my “process.” You had your Instagram handle linked to your Tinder profile, so I was able to visit that account and find your first and last name on Insta. This led me to a Google search where I was able to find your Facebook. I know, I know, this is called creeping. But I prefer to think of it as being aware. And, y’know, this could have all been avoided if you hadn’t ghosted me so suddenly!
Ghosting is a strange phenomenon, right up there with “breadcrumbing” a person. At least with breadcrumbs, stray texts or tweets here and there, you’re able to keep the faintest hope alive that [redacted] is still interested in you. Ghosting cuts hope off completely. If you’ve ever been ghosted, you probably go through the seven stages of ghosting grief. They look a little bit like this…
- Making hopeful excuses. The older than dirt “three-day rule” becomes a beacon of hope if it has been 48 hours since your date with no text back. He’s probably being a gentleman. Or he might be busy with work. Or maybe he’s on vacation. During the excuses period, I like to hide my phone and busy myself with projects. Guys seem to have their radar up for knowing when you’re doing well for yourself. Seriously, just THROW yourself into work and going out and doing everything you can to appear that he is the last thing you’re thinking about.
- Gradual deflation. It has been a week since you last spoke, you can’t hide your phone anymore, and you’re beginning to realize that it’s not going to look good to send “just one more text.” Especially if his read receipt is on. That’s even more depressing. You’re all out of making excuses and deflating a bit from the airy high.
- Dwelling. Traditional stages of grief refer to this as denial, but for us millennials it’s the stage where we channel our inner Nancy Drew. Time to analyze the situation on repeat in search of clues for what went wrong! Literally anything can be overanalyzed here from the fact that you haven’t scheduled a dental appointment in six months and you’re 1000% positive he could see a cavity forming on one of your teeth and be turned off by it to not immediately pretending that you were a huge fan of Battlestar Galatica. During the dwelling period, you’re making pro/con lists on whether or not to reach out to him again and Googling his social media accounts for hints regarding his behavior. It’s a lot of thinking. A lot of really, really, ridiculous thinking.
- The long pow wow night. The only fun aspect of the ghosting grief process — this is the night where you get together with your girlfriends and get massively drunk off of wine to share the story with them and seek their guidance on what to do next. First, have them hide your phone before the night begins. Drunk texts are coming…
- The revenge fantasy sequence. The phrase “we’re all adults!” doesn’t apply if you’re being ghosted, so you’re very much welcome to have a private revenge fantasy moment about [redacted]. My go-to is a flash mob outside of his house to sing an original musical number about how lame he is and how awesome I am. Let your imagination run with this one, but, y’know, refrain from anything too wacked out or insane.
- Celebrating independence. Before we can get to accepting being ghosted, we’re going to celebrate how strong we are as women! Who needs a man when you can have it all on your own? There’s a “treat yo’ self” Parks and Recreation sequence in here too — I like to go shopping, dancing, or hit up Drybar for a blowout and get some new photos snapped for Insta.
- Reflection and acceptance (more or less). It has been a few months since the incident. You’ve gone out on more dates since and the memory of [redacted] is fading away slowly but surely. Time is healing all those wounds, for the most part, and you learned something from the experience. More on that later.
When I first set out to write this, I didn’t imagine any of it coming out eloquently. My initial approach was that I was going to vent out my frustrations on behalf of women everywhere and end by saying that it’s time for men to start acting like men again. However, as I got into this piece, I realized I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let anger be the driving force because — plot twist! — I have ghosted a lot of guys.
Why do I ghost guys? Sometimes, even when I think I am, it turns out I’m just not ready to trade in my independence for a relationship. Other times, I’m not feeling the guy. I can’t force myself to date someone that I don’t have strong feelings for because it will never be a relationship I can grow from. The best thing to do when you have a realization like that is to end it sooner rather than later. Sometimes this is best done with the courtesy of talking it over with the other person. Other times, especially if it’s very early on… you gotta peace out and go your own way.
To the guys who have ghosted me, there’s no doubt that you made me feel pretty low and disheartened about the whole dating experience. If you treated me in any way like I treated the guys I have ghosted, I know that it’s nothing personal. Maybe there was a spark missing or you weren’t ready for commitment either. It happens and as I said before, it’s better to nip in the bud early for everyone involved. But thank you for helping me to discover more about, well, me! I truly believe that you can walk away from every encounter, good and bad alike, having learned valuable lessons along the way. Over the years, I have learned more about what qualities I am looking for in my future soul mate. I know that I cannot be with anyone that does not make me laugh, for instance. I also know what kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable to me — the kind that sends up red flags on day one. Sometimes though, the only thing I have learned is the power of a great makeout sesh. Chalk those moments up for a win in your memory bank when they happen!
In return, I hope I’ve been able to help these guys learn something about what their own selves too. At the end of the day, we’re all looking for love. Everyone wants the kind of love that will make us giddy and joyful 24/7, but deep down our souls crave love that empowers our sense of self and allows us to grow and become the version of ourselves we are meant to be.
We’re all worthy of this love, each and every one of us. So, chin up if you’ve been ghosted! Your own love story is slowly unfolding as I write this, even if you currently feel like nothing could be further from the truth. Take [redacted’s] Twitter handle out of your Google Chrome bookmarks and instead, go do something that gives you all the warm fuzzies today. Feels like the perfect day to enjoy everything that you are, wouldn’t you agree?
Heather Taylor is a former entertainment writer turned brand mascot aficionado (and head writer) for Advertising Week’s Icon Blog. She shares her thoughts on pop culture at HelloGiggles, editorial advice on Ed2010, and has been published in Brit + Co, The Drum, and BettyConfidential. Chat with her about anything from SNL to the Pillsbury Doughboy on Twitter @howveryheather. GIFs highly encouraged.
